I might be losing it.

Or maybe I already lost it.  However, I don't know what it is.

I'll apologize now for the onslaught of depressing posts lately but I'm at a low point in my life.  It may seem like I'm whining but for now everyday looks like a black hole and I'm going to cry and whine if I want to because I can and that's how I'm going to deal with things right now.

So back to how I'm losing whatever "it" is.  My relationship is "on the rocks".  My significant other and I have no idea where we stand.  Well at least I have no idea where he stands.  I think I've made my position pretty clear (I hope I have).  While I'm respecting how he's not ready to talk about things just yet it's still rough because I don't do well with uncertainty.

I feel completely alone in the world.  While I realize that I have friends here and at home I also feel completely alone.  I talk to my friends and/or my mom daily but they can only help so much.  There's a point in everyday where I can't talk to anyone anymore either because everyone is asleep or because I feel like I've been complaining to them too much and I need to give it a break.  It's times like that that really make me feel alone.

I'm in list making mode.  I rarely if ever make lists.  The only list that I make often is a grocery list but when I feel like life has taken a turn for the worst I start making lists galore.  Homework lists, chores lists, shopping lists, going to class lists, any kind of list.  These lists are the way I make it through the day.  They give me some goals and in all honesty if I didn't make them I would probably forget half of the things I'm supposed to do.  If I've learned one thing the combination of stress, depression and anxiety ruin your memory.  Most days I can't remember what I've done or what I'm supposed to do but if I check all of my things on my list off then I know I've done something.

So maybe I'm not losing it.  Maybe I have things mostly together.  I can still construct a coherent post.  I can realize what's going on in my life but it sure does feel out of control sometimes.  Have I mentioned that I hate uncertainty?  Well I also hate feeling like I have no control and basically those two are the same thing.

Happy Sunday!