I struggle with this condition everyday. Most people that know me know this by now. And most of you that read my blog probably know that too either because I've said it (have I said it?) or because you picked it up in my posts. It doesn't really matter how you found out because now I'm explicitly telling you that I'm depressed in the medical sense of the word. I also have anxiety but we'll save that for another post.
I'll lay it out plainly for you depression sucks and if you don't handle it in the right way it will take over your life. That's where I'm at right now, my depression is essentially the ruler of my life. I hate it but I know exactly why it happened. I never handled it properly.
I went to therapy, for awhile, but I also jumped from therapist to therapist and never stuck to one program. I also decided on my own volition to not take my pills after my prescription ran out. NEVER do that. I will attest that not taking my meds because I a.) am lazy and b.) didn't want the stigma of being medicated on me was the dumbest thing I ever did. It screwed me up, big time. On top of not taking medication not continuously going to therapy has also been a terrible decision.
Because of the above reasons I am now not in control of my life and it's terrible. The quality of my day hinges on how depressed I feel and lately on a scale of 1 to 10 I've been at a level 10 for the past week and a half. I'm lucky if I can go through a 2-3 hour period without crying. It's that bad. I've finally come to terms however with the fact that this is basically my fault. I tried to tell myself that depression wasn't a real thing that could hurt me and I'd be just fine without therapy and medication as long as I "kept myself busy". Well I'm busy as can be but I'm also depressed so apparently I was wrong and I'm glad that I can admit that.
So how do I fix this mess I've made? Go back to therapy, get back on medications. It sounds simple and all in all it is but what I didn't think about when I made this pact with myself to make me better was that doctors are busy people. So now I'm playing a waiting game. I have a therapy appointment Thursday that I'm ever so thankful for but the road to medication is taking longer. I'll be honest though Thursday looks awfully far away at the moment and that's terrifying because in the world of emotions I've had a terrible weekend. This is most likely the second lowest point of my life. I feel like a fuck-up, like I've wasted my whole college career and I'm holding out for something better after graduation day but I really shouldn't be doing that I should be making things better for me today but lack of motivation and the inability to find joy in anything is a serious barrier.
Here's to hoping that there are better days ahead and that I can commit to getting better.
And I hope that some of you can learn from this because I'm a wreck and I don't want anyone to feel this way, ever.
Happy Sunday.
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