The Beginning of The End (of college)

As you all may know I am ever so close to graduating from college.  I can't wait.  I am insanely excited about the day that I get to proudly proclaim "I DID IT!!!".

It's been a long road as many of you may also know.  My five years here at Penn State have had their fair share of ups and downs.  I'm also sure that I'll still have a few more.  Case in point, my first two days back have been a little messy scheduling wise, as of right now I don't have a class that I need to graduate (yikes) but I'm sure I can figure it out.

I just wanted to let you all know that we are now only 16 weeks away from graduation and I am excited to chronicle my last semester here which I'd like to make my best and also start a new journey.  Look for an emotional crisis in late March because I don't know what I'm doing with my life yet.

Let's do it, Happy Tuesday!

New Year's Resolution

Every year I make a New Year's resolution, every year it's the same generic thing and every year I fail at it.  I'm okay with that.  My resolution every year is to lose weight or exercise more or eat better or some derivation of me getting fit.  It never, ever happens and I don't care anymore.

I've always made my resolution on the premise that I need to have one that people will "get".  Not this year. This year I have a new resolution that I'm promising myself I'm going to stick to.  This year I'm doing this for myself and no one else.

This year I'm going to be me.  

This might sound dumb or vague or whatever but I don't care.  I've spent the last few years of my life trying to conform to what I think everyone else wants me to be.  It has been a rough few years especially because not everyone wants the same thing for you.  I've finally realized that the only way for me to be happy is to be myself.  And honestly I actually don't know who I am so this is going to be a long process.  I'm probably going to want to give up and take the "easy" way out and go back to doing what I've been doing for the past 4 or so years but I'm going to do my best not to.

I'm going to figure out who the real Hannah is and I'm going to be her.  

I hope you all have meaningful resolutions this year.  Happy Wednesday and Happy New Year!

College Milestones

Hi Everybody!

It's been awhile since I've

1. written a post and
2. written a post that's not about my depression

So today I'm going to do both of those; today I'd like to talk about my college career.  

My college career is coming to a close.  I have ONE semester left and I think it's going to be pretty easy.  I think at this point I've completed most of the things I'm going to complete in my college life other than graduation.

So here we go, here are some of the things I've done in the past 4 and a half years.

• Moved into a dorm and then moved back out because I decided that the big campus wasn't for me just yet
• Joined a club and made some of the best friends I've ever known
• Became a waitress and loved/hated it
• Worked in "fast food", Panera thinks they're better than everyone else but they're really not
• Moved into an apartment with my significant other, it has had its ups and downs
• Failed a class (a couple times, oops)
• Went to a Penn State football game or two (they were amazing)
• Survived the Sandusky ordeal
• Chose a major, changed my major, changed my major again and then finally picked one
• Turned 21 and had the best possible 21st birthday
• Admitted that I have depression and decided to go to therapy for it (on three different occasions)
• My significant other and I got a cat (that we weren't supposed to have)
• Got a credit card and did what everyone tells you not to do with said credit card
• Found my passion in life
• Started a blog 
• Joined a club and realized that no club will ever be the same as the Lion Players
• Had one or two really bad semesters but ended up learning that no matter how bad it gets it WILL get better
• Learned that Netflix can be your best friend when you're too poor to go out
• "Interned" at PennDOT and learned what sexual harassment is
• Babysat the worst kids in the world for a summer
• Went to an interview (or two) and didn't get the job or internship
• Questioned if what I was doing was right (on multiple occasions)
• Paid tuition for the final time and had no debt to show for it
• Scheduled for my final semester
• Looked at my degree audit and smiled because I have every class (plus some) that I need to graduate

Some of these may seem better or more meaningful than others but for me I've learned a lot in the past few years about myself and others.  At times I may feel like college hasn't been exactly what it was supposed to be but I think I've done what I needed to do here and I'm ready for my next step college and I only have a few more months to go.

Happy Monday!

I wanna dance with somebody

The chorus to Whitney Houston's  "I wanna dance with somebody" has been stuck in my head for the past two days.  The whole song would probably be there but I don't know the rest of the words so it's not.

But it's true.  I want to dance with somebody especially somebody who loves me but I don't see that happening any time soon.  I've brought it up a couple times in conversation with that someone that I love and think loves me and he doesn't seem to want to dance with me.  He's got his own dancing thing going on.  He's more advanced than me, he knows a completely different style than I do and he already has a partner.

One would think that none of those things would matter though.  I mean I can think of ways around all of them.  For the first two I'm a pretty quick learner so I think I would be able to learn what he knows maybe not super quickly but I do have a dance background and I'm not stupid.  And for the partner thing he was just complaining about her the other day and why wouldn't you want your significant other to be your dance partner.  I don't know.

I guess another issue is that maybe we're not aware of where to dance...but I think that can be remedied easily.  We'd just have to look for places.  My ballroom teacher dances socially all the time in town.

Well that's all for today.  I just wish that song would get out of my head now.

Blue-Eyed Baker: Everybody makes mistakes

I haven't been baking recently.  I just haven't had the motivation but I had friends over Saturday night and I thought I'd bake cookies.

I was in Wal-Mart and saw some butterscotch baking chips. Butterscotch is one of my favorite flavors so I bought them intending to make some basic butterscotch chip cookies.  So I went home and found my recipe. All was well for the most part until I realized I made a mistake.  I used baking powder instead of baking soda.  

As I rushed through the recipe I didn't read it correctly and the baking powder was the first thing I saw in my cabinet so I used it.  If you don't know what happens when you make this mistake I'll tell you.  It's not super catastrophic and the cookies are still edible but they don't brown very well and they come out sort of doughy.  The recipe I used also made a super sweet cookie that was pretty disgusting.

Needless to say I didn't give them to my guests so if they read this I apologize for my cookie failure. I'm not going to post the recipe because it wasn't that great and unless you like instantaneously getting cavities after biting into a cookie you're probably not going to want to use it.

Not the most appetizing picture.

Good luck in all your baking endeavors and Happy Monday!

I might be losing it.

Or maybe I already lost it.  However, I don't know what it is.

I'll apologize now for the onslaught of depressing posts lately but I'm at a low point in my life.  It may seem like I'm whining but for now everyday looks like a black hole and I'm going to cry and whine if I want to because I can and that's how I'm going to deal with things right now.

So back to how I'm losing whatever "it" is.  My relationship is "on the rocks".  My significant other and I have no idea where we stand.  Well at least I have no idea where he stands.  I think I've made my position pretty clear (I hope I have).  While I'm respecting how he's not ready to talk about things just yet it's still rough because I don't do well with uncertainty.

I feel completely alone in the world.  While I realize that I have friends here and at home I also feel completely alone.  I talk to my friends and/or my mom daily but they can only help so much.  There's a point in everyday where I can't talk to anyone anymore either because everyone is asleep or because I feel like I've been complaining to them too much and I need to give it a break.  It's times like that that really make me feel alone.

I'm in list making mode.  I rarely if ever make lists.  The only list that I make often is a grocery list but when I feel like life has taken a turn for the worst I start making lists galore.  Homework lists, chores lists, shopping lists, going to class lists, any kind of list.  These lists are the way I make it through the day.  They give me some goals and in all honesty if I didn't make them I would probably forget half of the things I'm supposed to do.  If I've learned one thing the combination of stress, depression and anxiety ruin your memory.  Most days I can't remember what I've done or what I'm supposed to do but if I check all of my things on my list off then I know I've done something.

So maybe I'm not losing it.  Maybe I have things mostly together.  I can still construct a coherent post.  I can realize what's going on in my life but it sure does feel out of control sometimes.  Have I mentioned that I hate uncertainty?  Well I also hate feeling like I have no control and basically those two are the same thing.

Happy Sunday!

Depression

Depression - a serious medical condition in which a person feels very sad, hopeless, and unimportant and often is unable to live in a normal way

I struggle with this condition everyday.  Most people that know me know this by now.  And most of you that read my blog probably know that too either because I've said it (have I said it?) or because you picked it up in my posts.  It doesn't really matter how you found out because now I'm explicitly telling you that I'm depressed in the medical sense of the word.  I also have anxiety but we'll save that for another post.

I'll lay it out plainly for you depression sucks and if you don't handle it in the right way it will take over your life.  That's where I'm at right now, my depression is essentially the ruler of my life.  I hate it but I know exactly why it happened.  I never handled it properly.

I went to therapy, for awhile, but I also jumped from therapist to therapist and never stuck to one program.  I also decided on my own volition to not take my pills after my prescription ran out.  NEVER do that.  I will attest that not taking my meds because I a.) am lazy and b.) didn't want the stigma of being medicated on me was the dumbest thing I ever did.  It screwed me up, big time.  On top of not taking medication not continuously going to therapy has also been a terrible decision.

Because of the above reasons I am now not in control of my life and it's terrible.  The quality of my day hinges on how depressed I feel and lately on a scale of 1 to 10 I've been at a level 10 for the past week and a half.  I'm lucky if I can go through a 2-3 hour period without crying.  It's that bad.  I've finally come to terms however with the fact that this is basically my fault.  I tried to tell myself that depression wasn't a real thing that could hurt me and I'd be just fine without therapy and medication as long as I "kept myself busy".  Well I'm busy as can be but I'm also depressed so apparently I was wrong and I'm glad that I can admit that.

So how do I fix this mess I've made?  Go back to therapy, get back on medications.  It sounds simple and all in all it is but what I didn't think about when I made this pact with myself to make me better was that doctors are busy people.  So now I'm playing a waiting game.  I have a therapy appointment Thursday that I'm ever so thankful for but the road to medication is taking longer.  I'll be honest though Thursday looks awfully far away at the moment and that's terrifying because in the world of emotions I've had a terrible weekend.  This is most likely the second lowest point of my life.  I feel like a fuck-up, like I've wasted my whole college career and I'm holding out for something better after graduation day but I really shouldn't be doing that I should be making things better for me today but lack of motivation and the inability to find joy in anything is a serious barrier.

Here's to hoping that there are better days ahead and that I can commit to getting better.
And I hope that some of you can learn from this because I'm a wreck and I don't want anyone to feel this way, ever.

Happy Sunday.