I wanna dance with somebody

The chorus to Whitney Houston's  "I wanna dance with somebody" has been stuck in my head for the past two days.  The whole song would probably be there but I don't know the rest of the words so it's not.

But it's true.  I want to dance with somebody especially somebody who loves me but I don't see that happening any time soon.  I've brought it up a couple times in conversation with that someone that I love and think loves me and he doesn't seem to want to dance with me.  He's got his own dancing thing going on.  He's more advanced than me, he knows a completely different style than I do and he already has a partner.

One would think that none of those things would matter though.  I mean I can think of ways around all of them.  For the first two I'm a pretty quick learner so I think I would be able to learn what he knows maybe not super quickly but I do have a dance background and I'm not stupid.  And for the partner thing he was just complaining about her the other day and why wouldn't you want your significant other to be your dance partner.  I don't know.

I guess another issue is that maybe we're not aware of where to dance...but I think that can be remedied easily.  We'd just have to look for places.  My ballroom teacher dances socially all the time in town.

Well that's all for today.  I just wish that song would get out of my head now.

Blue-Eyed Baker: Everybody makes mistakes

I haven't been baking recently.  I just haven't had the motivation but I had friends over Saturday night and I thought I'd bake cookies.

I was in Wal-Mart and saw some butterscotch baking chips. Butterscotch is one of my favorite flavors so I bought them intending to make some basic butterscotch chip cookies.  So I went home and found my recipe. All was well for the most part until I realized I made a mistake.  I used baking powder instead of baking soda.  

As I rushed through the recipe I didn't read it correctly and the baking powder was the first thing I saw in my cabinet so I used it.  If you don't know what happens when you make this mistake I'll tell you.  It's not super catastrophic and the cookies are still edible but they don't brown very well and they come out sort of doughy.  The recipe I used also made a super sweet cookie that was pretty disgusting.

Needless to say I didn't give them to my guests so if they read this I apologize for my cookie failure. I'm not going to post the recipe because it wasn't that great and unless you like instantaneously getting cavities after biting into a cookie you're probably not going to want to use it.

Not the most appetizing picture.

Good luck in all your baking endeavors and Happy Monday!

I might be losing it.

Or maybe I already lost it.  However, I don't know what it is.

I'll apologize now for the onslaught of depressing posts lately but I'm at a low point in my life.  It may seem like I'm whining but for now everyday looks like a black hole and I'm going to cry and whine if I want to because I can and that's how I'm going to deal with things right now.

So back to how I'm losing whatever "it" is.  My relationship is "on the rocks".  My significant other and I have no idea where we stand.  Well at least I have no idea where he stands.  I think I've made my position pretty clear (I hope I have).  While I'm respecting how he's not ready to talk about things just yet it's still rough because I don't do well with uncertainty.

I feel completely alone in the world.  While I realize that I have friends here and at home I also feel completely alone.  I talk to my friends and/or my mom daily but they can only help so much.  There's a point in everyday where I can't talk to anyone anymore either because everyone is asleep or because I feel like I've been complaining to them too much and I need to give it a break.  It's times like that that really make me feel alone.

I'm in list making mode.  I rarely if ever make lists.  The only list that I make often is a grocery list but when I feel like life has taken a turn for the worst I start making lists galore.  Homework lists, chores lists, shopping lists, going to class lists, any kind of list.  These lists are the way I make it through the day.  They give me some goals and in all honesty if I didn't make them I would probably forget half of the things I'm supposed to do.  If I've learned one thing the combination of stress, depression and anxiety ruin your memory.  Most days I can't remember what I've done or what I'm supposed to do but if I check all of my things on my list off then I know I've done something.

So maybe I'm not losing it.  Maybe I have things mostly together.  I can still construct a coherent post.  I can realize what's going on in my life but it sure does feel out of control sometimes.  Have I mentioned that I hate uncertainty?  Well I also hate feeling like I have no control and basically those two are the same thing.

Happy Sunday!

Depression

Depression - a serious medical condition in which a person feels very sad, hopeless, and unimportant and often is unable to live in a normal way

I struggle with this condition everyday.  Most people that know me know this by now.  And most of you that read my blog probably know that too either because I've said it (have I said it?) or because you picked it up in my posts.  It doesn't really matter how you found out because now I'm explicitly telling you that I'm depressed in the medical sense of the word.  I also have anxiety but we'll save that for another post.

I'll lay it out plainly for you depression sucks and if you don't handle it in the right way it will take over your life.  That's where I'm at right now, my depression is essentially the ruler of my life.  I hate it but I know exactly why it happened.  I never handled it properly.

I went to therapy, for awhile, but I also jumped from therapist to therapist and never stuck to one program.  I also decided on my own volition to not take my pills after my prescription ran out.  NEVER do that.  I will attest that not taking my meds because I a.) am lazy and b.) didn't want the stigma of being medicated on me was the dumbest thing I ever did.  It screwed me up, big time.  On top of not taking medication not continuously going to therapy has also been a terrible decision.

Because of the above reasons I am now not in control of my life and it's terrible.  The quality of my day hinges on how depressed I feel and lately on a scale of 1 to 10 I've been at a level 10 for the past week and a half.  I'm lucky if I can go through a 2-3 hour period without crying.  It's that bad.  I've finally come to terms however with the fact that this is basically my fault.  I tried to tell myself that depression wasn't a real thing that could hurt me and I'd be just fine without therapy and medication as long as I "kept myself busy".  Well I'm busy as can be but I'm also depressed so apparently I was wrong and I'm glad that I can admit that.

So how do I fix this mess I've made?  Go back to therapy, get back on medications.  It sounds simple and all in all it is but what I didn't think about when I made this pact with myself to make me better was that doctors are busy people.  So now I'm playing a waiting game.  I have a therapy appointment Thursday that I'm ever so thankful for but the road to medication is taking longer.  I'll be honest though Thursday looks awfully far away at the moment and that's terrifying because in the world of emotions I've had a terrible weekend.  This is most likely the second lowest point of my life.  I feel like a fuck-up, like I've wasted my whole college career and I'm holding out for something better after graduation day but I really shouldn't be doing that I should be making things better for me today but lack of motivation and the inability to find joy in anything is a serious barrier.

Here's to hoping that there are better days ahead and that I can commit to getting better.
And I hope that some of you can learn from this because I'm a wreck and I don't want anyone to feel this way, ever.

Happy Sunday.

Mid-Semester Crisis

I've been in college for 4 full years and I'm on my fifth and final year as we speak.  Every semester (I kid you not) I have had a mid-semester crisis.  I didn't realize this until this morning when I was jamming to Pat Benetar on the bus because she's the only person that can make me feel okay right now.

My first couple years they were small ones.  Just little things like " Oh gosh, I'm a little behind on assignments" but this semester it's a big one.  I'm freaking out.  I'm convinced that my boyfriend doesn't like me anymore and that we have to break up because we never see each other and never do anything together and he always seems to have his own agenda.  I'm convinced that I'm never going to get a job in my field and I'm going to work shitty part time jobs for the rest of my life. And in addition to that I'm going to have to work every weekend of my life and never have any fun.  I'm convinced that I'm not even going to make it through this semester, even though so far I have A's and B's in all of my classes.  I'm convinced that I'm never going to find my passion in life and that my journey is going to be riddled with sadness and depression. I'm also at a point where drinking seems like the only way to have fun.

Like I said this one is a full-blown crisis and I have no way to deal other than with methods that are somewhat self-harming.  I'm not like hurting myself (so please don't worry too much) but I am thinking about drinking more and I'm closing myself off to people that I shouldn't be.

I'd also like to apologize, dear readers, for being so morose.  I'm just having a rough time right now and this blog in all honesty is my outlet.  Not a lot of people read it but this is almost a passive aggressive way of letting the people I love know what's going on with my life.

So let's not talk about that stuff and talk about how I'm going to try my hardest to stay f*cking positive.

Pat Benetar

This woman is the shit.  All of her songs make me feel like I can rule the world and they give me an instant boost.  

TheBerry.com

I've posted about theBerry before and today they made the perfect post.  I was feeling awful this morning and I opened my Berry app and they had a post of positive messages that just made me smile.

These are my two external things but overall I'm trying to think positively and tell myself that I'm worth it.  I'm a good person and everything is going to be okay.

I'd greatly appreciate any positive comments.  Happy Monday! I hope you're all doing okay.

I'm done with State College

Dear State College,

It's been real.  For the past 2.5 years I've had fun here but I'm going to be honest with you.  I've had my fill.

When I got here in the Fall of 2011 I knew there wasn't going to be a long term, forever kind of relationship between us.  I knew that living here was just a stepping stone in my life.

Don't get me wrong, you're a beautiful place filled with activities that anyone can enjoy, art, theater, concerts, clubs, bars and of course football.  But I've done it all and I'm over it.  I'm ready for my next city or town.

I want to move on.  I don't want you (State College) to make this hard on me.  There was a time when I was exorbitantly happy to be here but I also knew that you were never going to be my home and now it's time to move on and continuing my path of finding that right place for me even if I ultimately end up right where I started in good old Southwestern PA.

This picture IS State College.

The challenge though is that we still have a semester and a half left to go.  I can't leave you, State College, until I have my degree in May and right now that seems like it's eons away.

So what are we going to do?  How are we going to make this thing work?  Do I sit in my apartment and loathe you while binge watching Netflix or do I try to make something of the next 7 months?  Right now I'm in favor of the former and maybe that's okay for today but it's also going to make for a lousy 7 months.  So maybe I sit inside today and tomorrow and the next day but eventually I'm going to make the most of what we have left.  Maybe some exciting things will come to town and I'll love you again or maybe I'll make it through Weeds, Breaking Bad, Arrested Development, Downton Abbey and a plethora of movies before May 2014.  Time will tell.

Sincerely,
Hannah

P.S. I promise I'll come back to visit.  I like you in small doses.

The Biological Clock Conundrum

In case you were wondering I was totally going for a "Big Bang Theory"-esque title.  If you're not familiar with the show just go look at a title for one of the episodes and you'll find the title of this blog mildly humorous.

Any who, let's talk about the biological clock.

Toothpastefordinner.com is always funny.

For a long time I didn't believe that I would one day feel my biological clock "ticking".  To be honest I didn't think it was real but after the past few days I'm now a firm believer.  

In the last week I've seen a million engagement ring ads and a ton of recent-ish Alumni and their babies walking around downtown and at my place of work.  I'm DEFINITELY NOT saying I'm ready for a baby but I'm thinking my body is thinking about it.  I've always kind of thought to myself that I'd like to be married and have children (well maybe just one child) by the time I'm like 30 and if you think about it I'm 22 and yeah it's 8 years away but 8 years can go by kind of quick.  

Example: In 3 days it will be 8 years since my dad passed away and it feels like that just happened yesterday.  

I guess what I'm trying to say is the biological clock is real and you should never doubt that.  I know some of you out there might be younger and you're thinking this chick is crazy there's no way I'm actually going to feel pressure from my own being to get the ball rolling in life but seriously it's real.  And then I know some of you that are my age and older are probably like "I feel ya girl" and for that I thank you.

On another note I just wanted to let y'all know I had a totally awesome weekend celebrating my boyfriend's parents' 40th wedding anniversary.  (Congrats Bobby and Dan!) 

Happy Sunday!